PRINT January 2003



IF THIS WERE A CHARLIE KAUFMAN SCRIPT about me writing a review of Spike Jonze and Charlie Kaufman’s new film Adaptation, I, Andrew Hultkrans, Artforum critic, would at this very moment be crawling the walls of my barren apartment like Gene Hackman at the end of The Conversation, mentally tracing not merely every single moment of my own life but every single moment of the entire history of the universe that, in evolutionary terms, led up to this all-nighter I’m pulling because I have to write a review of this diabolically unreviewable film called—it’s been careening around my brain for weeks like a Super Ball in a Cuisinart, but I’ll say it again—Adaptation. By the time I’ve gotten to this sentence I will have justified hours of procrastination by masturbating to gauzily clichéd fantasies of sexual encounters with Meryl Streep, Tilda Swinton, and that hot journalist from Premiere who sat

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